I found out that I can't get married until that debt is paid back.

Shit.

I'm really upset and now feel like my entire year is fucked.

mood: crushed

Must. Go. Complete.
Don't. Wanna.

I should also vacuum tonight but we all know that in all probability, I'll sit on my ass and mong out in front of the computer, waiting for Alan. And it's all I really need to do aside from cleaning the floor in the upstairs bathroom and replacing the mats. Then the walk-through can be completed and I can get ready to get my new apartment. :3

Alan must be sleeping.
Only poofs need sleep. :P

Ok, time for a grocery shop. Groan.

mood: apathetic
music: Tim and Eric stuck in my head. Plz let them out.

I haven't worn this sweater since I was in England with Alan.
I pulled it out of my suitcase this afternoon to wear it, and it was still in the Space Bag I'd used to pack.
It smells just like him and I can't stop smelling myself. I lean over and put my nose to my arms, take a big deep breath, then I close my eyes and for a split second I can trick my brain into thinking I am with him. Then I get a whiff of reality and just as quickly, I'm back in Texas again, alone.

I've been missing him so badly lately that it just plain hurts.
I hate this distance.

mood: lonely
music: King For a Day - XTC

It really only just hit me how much it must have meant to him, for me to travel such a distance just to meet him and be with him. Even after all he put me through, I still did it. I can only imagine how wonderful it must have made him feel to know that someone cared that much to take a risk that big.

I feel like I'm about to cry happy tears, because although it meant so much to me, I'm sure it meant so much more to him. It's almost as if I was this little ray of sunshine in his life when things had all but clouded over. :)

I absolutely, positively cannot wait to be in his arms again.

This is going to be one amazing Christmas.

mood: jubilant

Today, while waiting in the Diagnostics office to get my blood test done (if it wasn't obvious from NM there is a possibility that I am pregnant, and while my gyno is relatively sure I'm not, the blood test will tell, without a doubt, whether I am or not, but that's another story for another day), there was a kid who looked to be about eight or nine in there with his grandparents. His grandmother was having bloodwork done, and his grandfather was talking to him. The kid was crawling around on his stomach, military-style, under the chairs in the waiting room, and his grandfather was trying to get him to sit still and be good...

...and the whole time, I was thinking about my grandfather. I wanted to take the kid aside and tell him to appreciate the time that he had with his grandfather and to value it well, because he wasn't going to be there forever...and that I really miss mine.

I oftentimes find myself thinking of him and wishing he was still here.
I'm always going to miss him.

mood: okay

I. AM. FRUSTRATED.

Now I have to find some extra stuff to do this weekend to make some extra money.
I ought to ask my dad if I can come and clean the house and mow the lawn and clean Christian's room on Saturday and Sunday for like $200 for the whole sha-bang.

I really hate it when people violate my trust to the tune of $300.
Now I have to go to court later on and I'm genuinely pissed off about that.

Stupidfeckingpieceofcrap grrrrr :(

mood: pissed off

I didn't mean it that way, and I feel terrible.

And I hope you realise that.

mood: cold

I all of a sudden got hit by a wave of emotion thinking about my future.

I know this is the right thing for me to do, but I just started thinking about my mom and Erin and my friends and how they won't just be thirty minutes within my reach.

And that sucks.

I'm not sure I'm ready to leave all that behind quite yet.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting cold feet, nor am I having second thoughts, but I'll be leaving behind the world I grew up in and all the people close to me...

And that scares me. A lot.

I'm also freaked out about moving twenty minutes further into Dallas next month.
I'm scared about potentially being on my own.

mood: lonely
music: Epitaph For My Heart - Magnetic Fields

( Dizzy )

mood: calm
music: Jimmy Eat World

( I'm going to be ok. :) )

It's not over,
But I'll be ok.
And so will you.

mood: blank